The Middle Earth Prank Wars
by Painted Cat
Summary: "YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO CASTRATE ANOTHER PLAYER, GODAMNIT! As of your current predicament, I feel no particular urge to offer my aid and wish the both of you a pleasant day." - Gandalf The Grey/White


**Disclaimer: **I DO NOT OWN LOTR

**Author Notes: **Since many of my fellow LOTR geeks pressured me into doing a LOTR version of the infamous, Original Naked Quiditch Match, I have finally obliged. I give full credit to the author of said FanFic, however all ideas (save the initial inspiration) and events in this FanFic are of my own creating. Please R & R since this is a very big project and I'd like some constructive feedback. I will try to update ASAP with the second chapter!

* * *

**To: Middle Earth (Dwarves, Men, Hobbits, Elves)**

**From: **Gandalf The Grey

**Re: **Middle Earth Prank Wars

To whom it may concern:

It has come to my attention that, due to certain hobbits involved in appalling acts of idiocy, the entirety of Middle Earth must now participate in what I am told is called a Prank War.

Given the nature of this particular event, Elrond and I shall be overseeing all pranks and, as such, are **not** participating as players!

Any prank unleashed upon either one of us will result in the immediate elimination of involved individuals (men, dwarf, elf, hobbit...etc).

- Gandalf The Grey (White)

* * *

**To: Fellow Hobbits**

**From: ** and M. Brandybuck

**Re: **War Next Week

Right. Assuming that you've all received (and read) Gandalf's e-mail, Pippin and I would like to remind you that we are now accepting bets concerning which team will be eliminated first.

Personally, I hope it's one of the elves since they have an unfair advantage and piss me off in general (I'm mad at you too, Legolas since you were the only one in the Fellowship who didn't carry a hobbit on Caradhras!).

Pippin wishes me to say he's placing another 50 gold coins on Team Gamgee, which in my opinion is utter crap given the fact that Frodo is no novice to the sacred art of humiliating others.

Finally, all participating teams are required, by game law, to submit their respective team name and members before the 23rd of September. Any applications received prior to this date cannot be guaranteed as registered.

- M&P

- P&M

* * *

**To: The Idiots Who Started This All**

**From: **The Baggins at Bag End

**Re: **War Next Week

Firstly, Bilbo would like to express his sincere insults and cannot wait to kill both of you in Rivendell next week. Personally, I too am in no way pleased by your antics, and would like to announce all of Middle Earth is currently plotting to shave both of you hairless as an offering to Gollum.

That being said, I am placing 70 GC's (gold coins) on Team Wormy, Middle Earth's personal sexual predator, and, decidedly not worthy of this bet in the first place. Bilbo has already deposited his (very generous) bet and encourages both of you to go boil your heads in Orc dung. (I WARNED YOU TWO!)

Attached is the complete list of registered teams. Please note that Team Leggoofmyass has been re-named Team Araporn by request of a very irate Prince of Mirkwood.

- Frodo Baggins

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

**To: Team Leggoofmyass/Araporn**

**From: **Team Evenstars

**Re: **Your Team Name(s)

We don't care what the story is behind all this! Just change it! Legolas- Tauriel has threatened to notify Thranduil, and she's not listening to reason. Estel, I beseech you- have maturity!

With disgust,

Arwen

* * *

**To: Frodo Baggins**

**From: **Bilbo Baggins

**Re: **Hobbits Gone AWOL

Frodo, my lad!

I've recently received word form a certain Team Gondor that both Pippin and Merry seem to have gone missing. Frankly, I wouldn't care, however I've entrusted them to quite a generous somme of gold and, given the fact I personally searched their residence and found no trace of it, would like it retrieved ASAP.

In other words, since you are indeed their closest friend, I'm asking you to find out anything concerning the mysterious disappearance of our dynamic duo. Naturally, I would have done it myself, but I'm not as young as I once was and could use an extra hand.

Many thanks,

Bilbo

PS: I was cleaning out my laptop the other day and happened across a hidden stash of photos taken during my adventures with the dwarves. I've attached a few of them for your personal enjoyment. (Personally, I like the one of Thorin falling off his horse and Kili urinating off the Misty Mountains.)

* * *

**To: Team Gondor, Team Leggoofmyass/Araporn, Team Evenstars, Team Precioussss, Team Arda, Team Rohan, Team Durin, Team Gamgee, Team Da, Team Wormy, Team Gondor, Team BrandyTook**

**From: **Lord Elrond

**Re: **Official Code of Conduct, Rules and Regulations

In accordance to the aforementioned possible death of participants, we, the council of Rivendell shall be in no way responsible for loss of life, disfigurement, mutilation. No part of the following may be altered or re-produced in any way, shape, or form. Those who fail to submit shall face severe consequences.

**_MIDDLE EARTH PRANK WARS_**

**_Official Code of Conduct, Rules and Regulations_**

_1) Teams must be no greater than six._

_2) Any involvement of Elrond or Gandalf is strictly forbidden._

_3) You are required to keep track of all successful pranks as well as each prank played upon your team. The team responsible for the __**most **__pranks played, while also being pranked the __**least **__amount of times, shall be declared champion._

_5) There is no limit to prank severity or grandeur. You are all fair game._

_5) Alliances are permitted, though betrayal is entirely (and likely) possible and will not be penalized._

_6) In order to discourage and eliminate cheating, all teams shall be presented with cheat-proof scoresheets. Furthermore, anything except your original scoresheet will be automatically rejected, thus preventing any fakes from being counted._

_7) Teams cannot comprise of couples. This is not a cheesy love affair, it is a war._

_8) Ungodly acts of foolishness are encouraged, if not mandatory._

_9) You are not permitted to prank the cameramen/women! This rule is not debatable!_

_10) It is not wise to wake a sleeping dragon. In other words, your insurance won't cover it._

_11) Underage participants cannot be involved in any sexually related pranks. This applies to alcohol as well._

_12) You must arrange your own funeral costs._

_13) By agreeing to the fine print (which I'm sure none of you actually read), you've all allowed yourselves to be published in the Middle Earth Prank Wars photo calendar._

_14) You are only permitted to prank REGISTERED players! No blowing up innocent bystanders._

_15) Ensure that you truly understand the aforementioned rule. NO HARMING NON-PLAYERS._

_16) You have access to any weapon of choice and can use any such object so long as you are willing to face opposing consequences._

_17) It is forbidden to kill/abuse/harm/humiliate kittens (or any cute thing for that matter)._

For complaints, comments, or questions regarding said rules, please contact Gandalf The Grey.

Lord Elrond of Rivendell

* * *

**To: Leggoofmyass Greenleaf**

**From: **Your Father

**Re: **Your Team Name(s)

...I am disowning you.

*Dramatic hair swish*

Father

* * *

**To: Gandalf The Grey**

**From: **Two Anonymous Hobbits

**Re: **Rules and Regulations

So suppose we wanted to, say, **remove** somebody's (being preferably of male sex) **specific** body part? Would that be acceptable?

PS: We send a desperate plead for help! It has come to our horrifying realization that people have been offering us as slaves to Gollum.

Not only is this an invasion of our privacy, but now we've got said monster sending us completely inappropriate e-mails concerning what he plans on making us do with/to him. Merry's been sick for hours, and I'm considering asking an Orc to gouge out my eyeballs.

With hate,

Mippin and Perry

* * *

**To: FOOLS**

**From: **Gandalf The Grey/White

**Re: **Rules and Regulations

**YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO CASTRATE ANOTHER PLAYER, GODAMNIT!** As of your current predicament, I feel no particular urge to offer my aid and wish the both of you a pleasant day.

Gandalf The Grey/White

* * *

**So, how was it? Please R & R!**


End file.
